North Carolina Child Custody Orientation PART 1 SLIDE 1 In North Carolina, all parties to a custody and visitation lawsuit are required by law to participate in the custody mediation program unless a waiver has been granted by a judge. This online orientation is designed to help you understand how the program works, what mediation is, and how it can benefit children and families. Please allow 45 minutes to complete this orientation. SLIDE 2 This is a court-ordered custody mediation program which involves two required steps. The first step is to complete an orientation class that will prepare you for mediation. You are currently participating in our online version of the orientation class. The second step is to attend a mediation session. Mediation sessions can only be scheduled after all parties to a case have completed orientation. Completion of orientation will be monitored by custody mediation staff. SLIDE 3 The mediation session will most likely be in person, but could be held online if the mediator determines that distance or safety concerns exist. The mediator will inform you of the options that are available for your case. Only the parties listed on the action, usually the plaintiff and defendant, attend the mediation session. We will explain later how attorneys are part of the mediation process. SLIDE 4 In court, a judge decides who wins or loses a case. Often both sides leave a custody hearing feeling they have lost. Custody mediation recognizes that parents are going to have to work together to raise their children for many years. Mediation is designed to give parents another way of settling their disagreement. Mediation services are provided at no cost to the parties in a custody action. You have the opportunity to resolve your case quickly through mediation. SLIDE 5 In mediation, you are encouraged to solve problems and collaborate in a way that will benefit your children. Mediation offers an opportunity to discuss concerns and focus on the unique needs of each child, while taking into account work schedules and other time commitments. The mediator will help you brainstorm possible options that will work for everyone in your family. SLIDE 6 Now that you have heard a brief introduction to North Carolina’s Child Custody and Visitation Mediation Program, you will watch a video that shares the experiences and perspectives of parents, judges, mediators, and people who grew up with parents in different homes. Child Custody Mediation Video OPEN ♪ Music ♪ Boy The day that split up was the worst day of my life. Woman I remember the exact day my parents told me they were getting divorced. Girl If my parents could have communicated better… Boy I thought it was my fault. Girl Most of my friends parents were still married so I was kind of confused about what was going on. Woman My sister cried and leaned on my mom. I cried and leaned on my dad. Woman My daughter’s six now. I believe she was four when I filed the paperwork and decided to start the process Man It’s really easy to get lost in your motives and to have selfish thoughts. Girl I really did miss being with my dad because it was only the weekends. Judge Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God. Man We have to talk about the past. The past is relevant to what’s happening now, but what we’re really here to do is to plan for the future. ♪ MUSIC UP ♪ TITLE animation with lots of images For Your Children’s Future: Child Custody Mediation in North Carolina Music out Mediator So mediation is actually a conversation where you guys get to talk about what’s important to you. And if you’d like, you can fashion an agreement about how things will go for you and your child. Jennifer Phillips Mediator Mediation gives families the opportunity to reorganize in a way – to develop new traditions. It gives parents the opportunity to have a mindful conversation about how this reorganization might happen and what it might look like. Teshauna Tornes Mediator A lot of times we see parents that come in and they haven’t had a conversation in a year. Mediation – for a lot of parents – is the first time that they’ve actually sat down and been able to simply share their child’s agenda. Rick Igou Custody Mediator It’s an emotional relationship that’s breaking up and it may be more challenging for one than the other because frequently one person decides it’s time to make a change and the other person isn’t quite there yet. But even if they’re both deciding to change the relationship, it’s difficult. It’s very, very difficult. And they tend to get focused on themselves and the emotions and also the finances. They’re all kinds of things going on and it’s easy to – not forget about the children but to just be totally focused on yourself. So part of the job as a mediator is to help the parents have a conversation, to learn a new way to speak to each other because their relationship has changed dramatically and is changing. And to get them focused on the children and what’s best for them. Larry Curtis When parties come into a mediation or people come into a mediation and there’s a lot of baggage and hostility and they don’t see how this process is going to help them at all. They think it’s a waste of time. And what they want is to go before a judge. All rise Judge: Open court, please, sheriff. Bailiff: Oh yes oh yes. The Honorable District Court. Larry Curtis And let the judge make the decision Bailiff: the Honorable Judge Corpening present and presiding. Oh, yes, Oh, yes. Oh, yes. God save this state and its honorable court. Please be seated at this time. Judge: All right, ladies and gentlemen, we’re here to resume the custody modification trial in the Daniel case. Ma’am, it’s time for your cross examination if you’ll come back up to the witness stand and be sworn, please. Andrea Bosquez Porter People think that going to court is going to give them that Perry Mason moment. Judge: Do you solemnly swear that the testimony that you are about to give will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Mrs. Daniel: I do. Judge Have a seat on the witness stand, please. Andrea Bosquez Porter We all watch TV and Law and Order and Matlock and Perry Mason where you get to look at the other side and say “isn’t it true that you, sir, are a bad parent?” Lawyer in court – isn’t it true that Bobby was tardy ten times… Andrea BP There is no Perry Mason moment in court. It’s a long, tedious process that is extraordinarily expensive -- both monetarily and emotionally – from court Mother He could have been late a couple of times. Andrea It isn’t the cathartic experience people expect it to be and there isn’t justice.// Attorney Yes of no. Andrea People do seem to have the impression that going to court is going to destroy the other person and nine times out of ten what it ends of doing is destroying your family. Judge Rozier A lot of times parents are just expecting that they’re going to have their full day in court and that we’re going to be completely sympathetic or empathetic to their situation. But although we may try, we’re looking for a result. Lisa Haslett I remember being scared. I remember being confused. I remember feeling like absolutely nothing I said or did was right. I was either hurting my mom’s feelings because I had picked my father. Or in my father’s household I was not allowed to talk about my mother. // When I was 12 and decided I wanted to stay with my dad, I had to go to court and I had to stand up in court and I had to say it. And my mother had the opportunity to come and she could have fought for me. I remember standing in the courtroom that day waiting for her to show up and stop me. And she never did. Judge Jarrell So when it comes to a child custody case and we have people that come to court, they are not thinking about what happens tomorrow, they’re thinking about how to get back at the other parent. They’re thinking about how to gain an advantage. And everything else is just in their way of doing that. And unfortunately the collateral damage is the children. Judge Call your next witness please… Female Lawyer Mr. Hubie Mercardo Judge Have a seat on the witness stand Dad and Lawyer He hates my guts Judge Quiet, please, sir. Counsel, if you’ll have a seat, you may begin. Female lawyer How have you come to know Monica and David Daniels? Hubie Mercardo Well I was at their wedding when they got married. And lived arose the street. The times that I’ve been home, I’ve never seen him with his son, interacting with his son. Again, he’s not even, he’s remarried. He’s not even home. He’s living some place else in another town. Teshauna Tornes In court you’re just pitting one party against the other. You’re just picking out all of the reasons why he’s a bad dad, she’s a bad mom. It just creates a very hostile environment, adversarial environment. And then at the end of the day, you’re doing all that so that someone who doesn’t know you, doesn’t know your children, you’re giving them that power and that control to be able to make these long-term decisions that have lasting effects on you, your family and the children. Any further evidence for Ms. Daniels? Female Lawyer No, your Honor. Male Lawyer No, your Honor. Judge Corpening Let me say to all four of you how sad I am that this trial has gone the way that it has gone. Custody trials are supposed to be about the best interest of your child, Bobby, and not about the anger that you have for each other. During the time that we’ve spent together the anger has dominated this courtroom instead of the best interest of Bobby. But I’ll be prepared to issue my decision in just a few minutes and I can promise you that my decision will be about his best interests. ♪ Music up ♪ Images Rebecca Children’s Home Society Children of all ages want to have a relationship with their parents. Some children are in situations where they’re not able to see a parent as often as they want to or they don’t have a relationship with a parent and that is going to be a loss. Now ‘they can cope with it and they can deal with it, but it’s going to be something that the child thinks about and it’s going to change as the child grows. Brian Purnell Counselor A child is looking for their family identity. And sometimes they’re not able to find that identity because they feel empty and they feel alone. And that sometimes can create a pattern of abandonment. And when you have that pattern of abandonment going into adulthood you don’t understand how to have relationships and so that cycle sort of continues. Rebecca Children are learning about social interaction. They’re learning how to get along with other people, how to take turns, how to express themselves. They have conflicts and they’re learning from watching their parents how to handle that and so when parents are sending a very positive message about how to deal with things that make you upset, it’s fantastic and children start to adopt those behaviors. When children are seeing their parents act in an out-of-control way, with very strong emotions, then they start to copy those things as well. Jennifer Phillips Mediator Parents underestimate the power of little interactions – whether they’re positive or negative interactions. Children pick up on tone of voice that people use, or looks people give each other or even if parents are going to meet at an exchange location what the mood of the parent is driving there. Danyelle Child of Divorce I remember little arguments on like choosing the radio station in the car and then they’d be like, Danyelle, you choose, you know, and I’m like Why do I have to pick which radio station. It was just little petty things like that where you feel that tug of war and there’s unrest and there’s no peace. You don’t feel safe in an environment like that. Larry Curtis Mediator More than anything else, what children need throughout their lifetime – this is not just a one-time deal – they’re gonna need safety and nurture and a sense of self that’s whole, that’s complete. And the parents – regardless of their differences between one another, their conflict – the children view them as a whole, as part of their base for life, and that’s something that the parents need to think about beyond their confrontation. Danyelle I remember internalizing as a child the negative things that my grandmother and my father would say about my mother and so it was a tug of war because I loved my grandma and I loved my father and I wanted to make them happy but I wanted to make my mom happy and it was really unfair cause you just want to make everybody happy. Mediator So tell me a little bit about Bobby. Mom He’s a great kid. He’s six and he’s fluent in three languages Larry Curtis A big part of it is cooperation between the two parents, that they work together to do things for the children, to get those things done. Nats Mediator there’s Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and Bobby’s birthday to consider. Have you thought about that at all? Rebecca Sometimes parents have gotten the message that children have to have everything exactly the same every single place that they go. But children are actually fairly adaptable. And they can adapt and they can do quite well in mom’s home and dad’s home or grandma and mom or whatever the situation might be just as they can do well at home and at school. They can learn what the rules are and what to expect in each place. One thing that is key, though, is that they need to feel safe and secure and there needs to be some consistency within those environments. Father Divorced Well we decided that even though we were divorcing, it was important for us to remain a unit. And when I say remain a unit, still operate like a father and mother would. So there was a lot of conversations about that and what we wanted it to look like. Mediator So did I understand you to say that you would pick Bobby up and drop him off? Dad I think I’d have to if he’s gonna be with me. Music up Judge Corpening We don’t see, necessarily, the nuclear family that was together for years and you know raised two children and then suddenly something happens. We see folks in all kinds of relationships. Our focus, as judges, is what’s the quality of the relationship with the child? It doesn’t matter to us what that relationship looks like on the exterior. It doesn’t matter who’s sitting at the table as long as they’re invested in the lives of the children. Judge Yancey It’s so politicized today about what a family looks like. And I just think it comes from the heart. When you can actually look at a child and know that child has a need. And until that child is actually able to take care of himself or herself you want to be there for that child. That’s family. Rebecca Children are looking for these kinds of connections all the time. They have a real sense of connection when they hear a comment like your smile is just like your mom’s or your laugh is just like your dad’s. There’s a feeling of belonging when they hear that. Brian Purnell So if you allow a child to even imagine what this new life is going to look like it helps them to see the future – even if the future might not be with parents being together. It still helps them to see what their future might look like. ♪ Music ♪ Boy What if I get sick in the hospital? Will they both come to see me? Boy Where will they sit at my graduation? Girl I wonder if they will come to my soccer game? Jennifer We’re not asking people to forget the past. We’re not even asking people to forgive the past. What we’re asking is that as they make decisions about the future they’re certainly gonna keep the past in mind but to be thinking about how could this work? Rebecca The way that a parent handles situations is investing in that child’s future. And so letting go of the parent’s anger, maybe being calm, not saying things that they want to say, is helping that child have the future that that parent truly dreams for them. Larry That’s something that the parents need to think about beyond their confrontation. That the children are gonna need a foundation for the rest of their life. And that comes from two people collaborating together. Lisa We made the commitment that while we might not be married any more. We might not be a couple any more, we were both still parents to these two girls. And that they deserved to still have two parents. I didn’t want them to ever feel like they had to pick a parent, pick a side. I didn’t want them to think that one parent felt favored over the other. I didn’t want them to feel bad on holidays thinking that one of the parents was sitting at home alone. Andrea Parenting is a long, long process. If the litigation process or the divorce has been so acrimonious that your child understands that you were feeding into that, once they’re 18, they do get to make a choice. And the choice doesn’t have to be you. Luke It’s important to take a moment and think about everybody around you. And for us that included inlays and we’re still real good friends. And part of that was that communication. And uh, it’s a good feeling when your ex-inlaws come to you and say I’m proud of everything you guys have done. Andrea I want my child to still like me in ten years. I want my child to voluntarily still want to spend time with me in twenty years. I would like to see my grandchild. And that only works if your child still likes you. Judge Jarrell If they can work out a plan for mediation without having to come to court, where things get worse, not better. That’s really what’s in the best interest of the child. Judge Yancey You walk away with an understanding that it’s not about me. It’s not about you. It’s about the child that we brought into this world together. And what’s gonna get them to beyond the 18th birthday so that when they look back, they don’t have to wonder what happened to my childhood? Where were you when I needed you? What happened to our family? ♪ Music ♪ Credits END INTRO The last section of this orientation explains specific information about NC Child Custody Mediation Program. You will learn about the role of the mediator, what to expect during mediation, ways to prepare for mediation, and safety considerations. Slide 1 Successful mediation is a conversation where information is productively exchanged so the parties can make important decisions about the children. The mediator’s job is to facilitate this conversation and keep it on track. He or she may need to interrupt or ask you questions in order to do this. Slide 2 Both parties must be able to voice their concerns and advocate for what they feel is in their children’s best interest. Take the time to explore all options that may help your children. The mediator may use a “caucus” session which is a brief one on one meeting in order to help the process or determine the best way to move forward. While parties are required to attend mediation, they do not have to agree. Slide 3 The mediator helps the parties explore and discuss what arrangements they think will work best for their children. The mediator also assists the parties in focusing on the future while respecting the importance of the past. The mediator is not a judge or an investigator. The mediator does not decide what did or did not happen or what the parents should do now. The mediator helps the parents explore reasonable options in an attempt to reach their own agreement. Slide 4 If an agreement is reached in mediation, the mediator will send a draft parenting agreement for you to review. If you have an attorney, a draft will be sent to them also so they can review it with you. Revisions can be made with the agreement of both parties. If both parties sign the agreement, it will be given to the judge for review. If the judge approves the agreement, it becomes an enforceable court order. The custody issue of your court case is then resolved. Slide 5 If the parties do not reach an agreement, the case will be scheduled for a hearing. The mediator lets the court know that the parties met their obligation to participate in custody mediation but an agreement was not reached. It is not held against you by the court if you did not reach an agreement.   Slide 6 While the mediator is bound by confidentiality, the mediator cannot control what the parties share with others after the session. However, written and verbal communications between the parties and the mediator as part of the mediation process are privileged and not admissible in court. Slide 7 There are some important exceptions to confidentiality. A mediator is required to make a report or share information about suspected abuse or neglect, threats of harm, or communications made in furtherance of a crime or fraud. Slide 8 In mediation, you are not expected to have the same concerns or even agree with the other person’s ideas. The mediator helps you develop options that address ALL concerns and serve your children best. Many parents say they want the agreement to be fair. The most important thing to remember is it should be good for your children. Agreements need to cover residential plans, decision making, and information sharing. Slide 9 Consider how your children will spend time with and have access to each of you. How will they maintain these important relationships from two different homes? Who will provide transportation between the homes? Does the schedule stay the same during the summer or on school breaks? How would you like the children to experience holidays that are important to you? Slide 10 How will you all make important decisions for the children? Important decisions include education, non-emergency medical, mental health, and dental treatments. Think about the best way to share information about important decisions and the process for making each decision as parents who live in different homes. Slide 11 While it is entirely understandable that child support and financial matters may be of great concern to you, mediators are not allowed to address them in the parenting agreement. You should speak with an attorney or the local Child Support Office to learn how the Parenting Agreement may impact the financial and child support aspects of the case. Slide 12 Legal terms can sometimes derail the conversation and upset people. In mediation, we use terms that encourage a collaborative discussion. We focus on how the children can maintain relationships with each parent, in language that is easy to understand and follow. If you have questions about what something means, please talk with your mediator. Slide 13 Some parents want to bring children to mediation so their voice can be heard. However, children do not attend the mediation session. Children whose parents live apart often feel they have to pick a side. The custody mediation program is a short term process and there is not enough time to create the structure needed to have children participate in sessions in an appropriate, healthy way. The custody mediation program is designed specifically for the adults to discuss the decisions they need to make about the children’s future. Slide 14 The mediator will listen to your concerns but is not able to review evidence. If you have evidence that must be reviewed for safety reasons, your case may be best served by a court hearing. Phones should be set so that they are not a distraction. No recording devices are allowed in mediation. If your job requires you to carry a weapon, you should be off-duty and out of uniform when attending mediation. No weapons of any kind are allowed in mediation. Slide 15 No one should compromise safety. If either party is afraid of repercussions, mediation is not appropriate. Cases involving child abuse, substance abuse, or criminal charges may be best served by court. The mediator is in charge of the session. The mediator is responsible for continually assessing the case to determine whether it is appropriate for mediation, directing the conversation, and ending the session at his or her discretion. Slide 16 If you have questions about the appropriateness of your case in mediation, please talk with your attorney or the mediator as soon as possible. You may apply for a waiver using a judicial form. A judge will decide whether or not the case is waived from mediation. If you have a current Domestic Violence Order of Protection in place, you must provide the mediator with a copy well in advance of the mediation session. Slide 17 If the children have lived outside of North Carolina during the last six months, a judge may need to review your case to determine if North Carolina has jurisdiction. Also, Notice of Service needs to be complete. If the other party has not yet been served, please let your mediator know. Lastly, let the mediator know if paternity testing is underway. Slide 18 Of the custody cases that participate in mediation, a parenting agreement is the most common resolution. Even for the cases that do not resolve in mediation, a significant number of cases are resolved without requiring a court hearing. Often the discussion that began in mediation can help resolve the custody case through a consent order drawn up by attorneys. Slide 19 Living in two homes can be challenging, but children benefit from healthy relationships when the main people in their lives are able to work together. You know your children better than anyone. Mediation offers the chance to design a plan that will help your children move forward positively with parents who live apart. Slide 20-22 Take a moment to explore the North Carolina custody mediation website at nccourts.org. It includes basics of how the program works, along with resources and reference documents. Slide 23 You will find a quick link to forms, where you can find the waiver if you intend to petition the court for your case to be waived from custody mediation. Slide 24 If your case involves a nonparent, third party, please review this additional information. Slide 25 And finally, the video page has additional educational clips that you may find helpful. Conclusion Thank you for your time and attention. During the next and final step, you will be prompted to fill out information about yourself and your case.